Attending my nephew's wedding yesterday prompted my sister to recall the story of her wedding rings, and why she wears two of them. This, in turn, prompted me to recall my own attitude to wedding rings, and why I don't wear one at all.
When I was little, I wanted to get married and have children. Maybe like so many other girls, I grew up with a highly romaticised idea of marriage, and the wedding was no exception. Church, bridesmaids, wedding dress and rings were all part of the package, although it has to be said that my first wedding was anything but traditional in appearance. I changed my surname to that of my new husband, wore his ring and kept it there for 8 years in hope of the romance that never came. Shackled to a man I no longer loved, I removed the symbol of this marriage as soon as it was over.
For my second wedding, I was a bit older, but not much wiser, and still thought that marriage could be the perfect union of souls. The wedding arrangements were more pragmatic, driven as we were by lack of money, but the name change and the ring were still in there, as if their magic influence could create love out of lust, and common ground where none existed. About the same time I started to wise up on gender equality, taking a big interest in the women's rights movement and some strong feminists became friends of mine. Maybe I became too strident, maybe my new found role as a mother gave me a strength and definition of purpose - who knows? But here I was again, shackled by a name and a ring to a man who showered me with indifference. One day, when I knew it was over, I shed the name and the ring, and walked.
My half-baked feminist notions now became 'the truth' as I wove a cloth to protect myself against the traditions of marriage. I believe that a white wedding dress is a symbol of purity, and that the bride is a virgin. I believe that being 'given away' by your father is a tradition dating back to tribal customs when you were literally 'given' to another tribe, maybe in exchange for 1/2 dozen cows. And I believe that changing your name to your husband's, and wearing a ring are proof of ownership - you are a mere possession of your husband and his family.
Some of these notions may be true. Certainly, whatever their origin, the modern wedding ceremony is merely a set of rituals, that many people go through without a second thought as to their meaning.
So it was with the greatest joy that when I married for the 3rd (and last) time, it really was a union of hearts, minds and souls. Neil was not then, nor now, interested in the form and ritual of marriage. Indeed, for many months, we thought that we had all we needed, without marriage. It was enough for us to love each other. When we decided to get married, it was enough in itself to make our relationship formal. He had no desire for me to change my name, nor wear a ring. Free to be me, I am shackled to my husband by love.
