Dry Your Eyes.....

We have arrived at the end of a year which has been, for many of us, a year of pain and loss, a year of turmoil and grief, a year of recognition and acceptance. It is hard to look life in the eye and say, 'Go on then, I DARE you' and even harder to deal with the challenges that are thrown back at you if do. There is a catchphrase 'be careful what you wish for' and dealing with the challenges does not always bring the outcome you expected.

This year, I have dealt with some of those challenges. The 'L'Oreal' incident in October severley rocked my boat and it took some time before I was able to get the ship steady again (pun absolutely intended). However, this Christmas was just about THE best that I can remember. Neil and I were happy with each other and he was funny and sociable with company, only having one or two cringeworthy moments. He seems to have come to a place where he can have a sensible attitude to alcohol, where it no longers dicates and overpowers him. Our new-found sobriety has allowed us the courage to examine the core of our relationship and found it to be solid as a rock. However, some of the outer layers were beginning to look a bit frayed and these have been renewed or replaced.

We have discovered the shadowy underworld of Low/No..... alcoholic drinks with the alcohol removed or severly restricted and that has been a lot of fun, although we are apalled at the lack of choice in both supermarkets and pubs. Our local brewery, Harveys, does a couple of cracking low alcohol ales which, so far, we have only been able to get direct from the brewery shop. We also get weird and vaguely pitying looks when we ask the store/pub staff if they sell low/no. I feel a letter to the paper coming on......

Having spent a ghastly amount of 2006 crying from rage and grief, from despair and loneliness and, worst of all, from self-pity (what a loathsome creature that is), it was wonderful to spend a lot of Christmas Day crying from laughter, and from joy, as I open my eyes and see clearly the love for me in all its different forms.

I am my Father's daughter in this repect, being overwhelmed by tears of emotion, and I have often found myself unable to speak/sing/read out loud, when the emotions get too powerful. I remember seeing Free Willy with Lizzy, when we sat in the front row and blubbed from the opening scenes to the credits at the end. I also recall a Christmas at Julia's when we gathered round for a group reading of A Christmas Carol, all had to read out loud a section of the book. Julia had to finish off my reading as I disolved into a liquid mess. And I will never forget the first full rehearsal in Bournemouth of Britten's War Requiem, where the unbearable pain and raw emotion of the piece had me sobbing uncontrollably during the break, and there were many times during the performance when I was too choked-up to sing.

Neil Diamond, a singer with a voice crackling (another pun intended) with emotion sang ' Dry your eyes and take your song out, it's a newborn afternoon, and if you can't recall the singer you can still recall the tune. Dry your eyes and play it slowly like you're marching off to war, sing it like you know he'd want it, like we sang it once before.' What superb lyrics!! So 2007 will be a time to do just that, to dry my eyes and take my song out in the newborn afternoon of my life. I can't wait!!

Beautiful Bisley

I have a new love in my life, a love that I have nurtured in secret for many years, afraid to reveal it to the world. I have now decided to 'come out' and confess that I am having a relationship with Bisley.
Bisley is my new filing cabinet, something that I have yearned for since I first realised they existed, and that should have been made extinct in this computer age but is still going strong.My Bisley is smooth and black and sits proudly behind me in my not-so-huge living room,being fed with all the accumulated papers of my life. Like a contented hamster, he stores all I give him until required at a later date. I am strangely and rather worryingly happy to have Bisley guarding my back.
In the other corner, growling and snarling, is whS. whS is not happy to see Bisley. whS EATS paper, and I have been feeding him rather too regularly lately, and then regretting it. What can you do, when you discover that you have fed to whS a cheque, or your latest payslip? NOTHING! The deed is done, and your cheque is now in shreds in a little bucket. whS knows that, in future, papers will go to Bisley first, and may not be fed to him for YEARS, when they are very old, and have lost their flavour. I quite expect Bisley and whS to have a fight one of these nights.

Not wishing to sound like my sister (see her blog In My Day) I would imagine that my love of keeping papers for ever stems from a little known incident about my father. Daddy had signed up, in his youth, for a lifetime membership of the National Union of Journalists (NUJ). He kept the membership details stuffed in a drawer somewhere until one day he saw an article about a small housing complex reserved exclusively for NUJ members and their spouses. Looking for somewhere to live as the lease expired on our big house, he was delighted by this news, and retrieved from the abyss his NUJ membership details. Hey Presto, he got a nice wee bungalow in Dorking for a nice wee rent, where he and Mamma lived out their days.

So I do tend to keep papers rather longer than most, and still have a few payslips from my work at the DPB, which I left in 1995, my divorce papers from Dave (1976) and Nick (1994) and a whole box-full of Jacob's drawings from when he was 2 years old. You never know when these things might be useful!!

Please Santa

It seems that the family Virgos have come up with the VGIs again. The Christmas list is SUCH a good idea, and if you make it broad enough, then you still have no idea what Christmas might bring, nor from whom. I’ve pinched Julia's format as it seems to encompass most areas.

The best present I could get from anyone is time to spend with you. Invite me over, or come and visit. For those who really want to get me a gift, read on......
1 For the home
a. Vases. Any shape or size, I like originality and unusualness.
b. An earring tree, funky and fun
c. Stationery. I think I must be related to W. H. Smith...so surpise me
2. Books
a. Biographies/ Autobiographies especially lives of philosophers and any book by Armando Gallo on Genesis.
b. Books to help me get more from my computer.
c. Anything from my Amazon wish list
don't bother with:- Cookery/Food/Diet or Gardening/Flowers. Any more of the 'Does anything eat wasps?' type. I have most of them!
3. Perfume & Bath stuff
don't bother with:- body lotion, anything Musky
4. Self-improvement
a. Make-Up lessons
b. Gastric Band Op
c. Nail Varnish
d. Advanced driving lessons
e. Any books of the 'Men are from Mars' variety.
don't bother with:- Massage/Facial/Health Spa stuff, Anything even mildly physically risky.
5. Music & DVD
a. Gilbert & Sullivan boxed set, must include Cox & Box.
b. Classical Composers beginning with G
c. Anything from my Amazon wish list
6. Clothes:- Size 24
a. Tops, especially mad T shirts, funky colours, glitter
b. Skirts, especially long swirly
don't bother with:- Scarves & Pashminas, tights and popsocks, jumpers
8. Food & Drink
a. Jams & Marmalade
b. Panforte, don't know what it is, ought to find out.
c. Unusual Alcohol-Free drinks
d. Surprise me….
9. Jewellery & Accessories
a. Earrings, can't get enough.
b. Handbags
c. Key Rings and Phone accessories
10. Charity giving…..
I am quite happy for you to give my present to a charity......my personal favourites are NSPCC, Save The Children, WWF

I only included the 'don't bother' bit, as I would hate for you to spend time and energy on something I will never use. For example, I have a box FULL of jumpers and woollies of all sorts..hate them all, I am rarely cold enough!! I often used to buy them as I liked the look, and then they go in the box.......

Love you all.........

L'Oreal

It's been a trying couple of weeks. On Wednesday 4th October my dear husband's demon brother had one drunken shouting session too many. I decided that I had endured his company for long enough and told Neil that I didn't want to live with him AND his brother, so would he kindly remove the pair of them to alternative accomodation. The situation was complicated by the text-message attention of a woman who had got the hots for Neil, and he just didn't know how to tell her to bog off politely. Thursday was spent sulking and spatting and Friday Neil found a flat to rent and started packing, although it would be a few days (thank goodness) before he could move in. I downloaded divorce forms and we started talking about separate lives. Saturday Neil decided to go away for a couple of days, and I was invited to spend the day with my BSD (beautiful step-daughter) Sarah. I relieved Neil of his keys and said what I believed to be my last goodbye.
As I waited for Sarah to have her kitchen designed at B&Q, I sat in the car park and cried and cried and cried. I hurt in places that I didn't know I could hurt as I peered into the abyss of life without my one true love. I phoned 'sensible' Becky (a Virgo, she would surely know what to do) and just blubbed down the phone like a teenager. She said all the right things but I didn't feel any better. I thought my heart was breaking. A few hours into his weekend away, Neil phoned and asked if he could come home, sounding as wretched as I felt.
Sunday we talked.............boy did we talk!! Neil has kicked out his demon brother, who only appears through alcohol. He said the nicest things about me being worth more than a few beers and that he had been to see the 'other woman' and told her to keep her thoughts to herself. He too had peered into the abyss, and didn't like what he saw. Neil & I have been very near this point before, but I think the prospect of moving out brought the problem into stark reality and focussed the mind. We cancelled the flat!!
Sunday 8th October 2006.....this I hope marks a turning point in our lives. Neil like a beer, but has freely admitted that he doesn't like the muzzy head in the mornings. He drinks coz he likes the taste, not the buzz. So started our trawl through the no/low alcohol beers on the supermarket shelves.
Forget Kaliber, despite being the best known, it is probably the least palatable. Becks do a decent copy of their german lager, and there are a number of others out there, including lo/no wine. But the best so far seems to be Sainsbury's own low alcohol German Lager.......at £1,99 for 4 it's good value too.
So....yah boo shucks to you, demon brother. Neil has his life, his wife, and his health back. He looks better, is great company and I am a very happy bunny. It has only been 10 days, and I am not naive, but optimistic for the future. L'Oreal...........

Thanks goodness THAT's finished

I love to move house, but I hate the process. Even though on the actual day of moving I usually go to work and let others better qualified than me do all the huffing and puffing, there is still the lead up to it with endless packing-up-of-stuff and then the aftermath with the endless unpacking-up-of-stuff. But the joy of living in a new place takes some time to wear off, and this flat is REALLY new, having never been lived in before. I was in conversation with a friend yesterday who said he had lived in the same house for 18 years. That would be SO boring for me. I think Neil and I have lived in 7 different residences in 12 years, and that doesn't count the motorhome/campsite year. I expect we will get everything to our liking here then start getting twitchy again.
Anyway, we finally got to completion on Monday, and now we can relax....in between bouts of shelf up-putting, of course.

On the stuff of memories, and a great day out

I had a great day yesterday. I had a half-day at work (always very pleasing) and then met my sister Julia in Eastbourne for some retail therapy. It was the first chance we have had to talk alone and in person (rather than on the phone) since the start of her relationship troubles at the beginning of the year. She seemed to me to be very bouncy and full of good humour, and we had a most enjoyable, if small, spree......especially as she helped me choose, and then paid for, 2 lovely tops from Evans. Saw Darren Cohen in Eastbourne, and Kim (used to know him from the surgery) but no-one else I know.

We went for lunch in the Townhouse, and sat in the garden. It immediately rekindled a memory of being there with Neil one summer's day, (a few years ago now) when we had one of our spoof conversations. In this one, Neil confessed about an affair.....with a man! We discussed it all just loudly enough for everyone else to hear, and were gratified to see everyone taking a great interest. I hadn't thought about it since, until I walked in there yeterday. strange!!

Later we met in Battle and had a scrumptious meal in SI, and everyone (J&P, Linda and us) was very jolly and seemed very relaxed. 4 bottles of Pinot Grigot must have helped. Neil very busy at the moment and has a long day today, so we said 'No' to Champagne at Linda's and came home. Shame, I like a drop of the old Bubbly.

Lots to do. May drive to Portsmouth.

On Other People's Blogs

I love reading my diary, and often pick a choice moment out from history to read to Neil at bedtime. It's nearly as much fun as reading someone else's diary. I have always enjoyed that enormously, and think it is fascinating to have a glimpse into other people's lives. I enjoy books that are in diary form too. I particularly like the Blog (especially my sister's) as they are so immediate, and often deal in trivia or the minutiae of daily living. I have found that when I keep my diary EVERY day, it is full of these fascinating insights, as well as the more momentous events. Often though, I play catch-up, and realise that the minutiae have been lost in the mists (I mist up pretty quickly) and I can only remember BIG things. It maybe a feature of this Blog-site that it selects random blogs for reading if you wish, and I often do, and pick up on people ranting about politicians, or celebrating a birthday, or just chuntering on like this. GREAT!

On memory and er.......I forget

I remember seeing an episode of Grumpy Old Women recently which had me crying with laughter, as one of the participants described how she forgets the name of things. She wanted her husband to bring something in from the area outside the house, but for some reason could not summon up the word 'Garden' from her memeory. Well, I just fell about!! This happens to me so often, that I began to wonder if it was just me, but then I got news that it was happening all around me. Phew!
Except, that it, with my sister Julia. She has the most astonishing memory, quite clear, quite unforgiving. I was reading her Blog about mice at our family home. If her recollection is right, I was 12 before they disappeared as a result of the newly erected TV mast. Surely, I must have remembered something? Nope, not a mouse dropping in sight. (I DO remember the maggots at the bottom of the dustbin, as these were the days before bin liners, and I have hated dutbins ever since) So how come she remembers all this stuff and I don't? I used to think that it was a result of a lifetime of epilepsy medication and dreadful, mind wrenching seizures, but now I am not so sure. Other people seem to have the same problems. How come I can't remember the mice, but I can remember the feeling of having my socks put on? How can she remember things that I said and did, and I can't? It's a good job she does really.........half the family history would be shrouded in the mists of time if it were not for her clarity of memory. Of course, some things I would rather forget......
One thing I don't forget is my friends and family. I love to keep in touch with my nearest and dearest and over the years I have constantly phoned, written, sent birthday cards, E mails and swapped mobile phone numbers. Mostly this will elicit a response, which may keep going for a while, but eventually it fades out and you wonder if you have been totally forgotten. Take my friend Daphne. If I phone her, she will be delighted to hear from me. She will invite us to dinner at her house in Eastbourne. She will promise to keep in touch, and I won't hear from her again unless I phone and repeat the process. My friends and family are enormously important to me. I think that a love or a friendship is a vibrant, active thing..it has to be nurtured and taken out and played with regularly, or it will just fade away in the corner. So why don't people take more trouble with them? How long does it take to send an e mail or a text? Of course, enough people DO take the trouble to keep in touch, and that's great and keeps me buzzing. We even get regular calls from Greece.
Of course, if we all lived in familyville................

Statistics and Probability Twirly Stuff

There is one flat above my office. At the rear of the office is a small, private car park for the use of staff in our office (4 max), our clients and other visitors (varies, rarely more than one at a time) and, when we are not there, the cars of the upstairs residents and their friends. Because I live nearby, I often park in there, as parking in the street is dodgy and often impossible.

I was amazed to realise the other day, that there were only 2 cars parked there, mine and someone from the upstairs flat, and we both had car registration numbers beginning with 'P205'. This started me thinking about co-incidences and probability and I have been trying to work out the odds of two cars parking in the same private car park having the same 4 digits of registration number. The trouble is, I don't know how to work it out, or what information I need. I have found out that there are 27,028,000 taxed cars in UK. Of those, 1,854 have registration numbers beginning P205. That is a ratio of 14578:1. I do not know whether this information is relevant. I suppose I have to look at ALL the people with that number who could possibly have parked there at that time.. Do I? I dunno. Is there anyone out there who knows how to calculate this stuff?

The whole idea of coincidences thrills me. I sometimes think that there must be a parallel universe which bends near and far from us, and when it touches, we get a coincidence. That would explain sooo much. I mean, the way that Neil and I met was the result of a bizarre set of circumstances that would not normally all occur together. Because they did, I met the love of my life. Is is any wonder that people believe in fate, or a controllling deity?

Doesn't it make your brain go twirly? Does mine.

Things that make me feel that I'm mad

The song says...........'I said "who put all those things in your head, things that make me feel that I'm mad? and you're making me feel like I've never born"'The trouble with having spaces where a brain should be is that once the idea goes in, it makes you go all twirly until you can sort it out. The trouble with going to see my sister is that she is quite capable of filling me up with such twirly thoughts. Take this as an example:-She said (there's that song again) that there has been research done which says that children willingly, nay...intentionally.....adopt a role in the family. Therefore one will take on the role of 'eldest child', another the 'baby'. Now this is all very interesting, but is it true? And who said it? And can it be proved anyway? The whole point about theories is that they can, like statistics, be made to fit your argument by conveniently ignoring other scenarios. The idea that, as the youngest of 4 siblings, I somehow intentionally adopted the role of baby is bizarre. I contend that the position that you have in your family will, to a great extent, dictate the role you play, and this is foisted upon you from birth by your parents and other siblings. I also firmly believe that once the relationship has been established, that it will stay that way for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter what role you may play in the rest of your world, you will revert to the order dicated by sibling positioning whenever you are together in the same environment.
Crikey, this is interesting stuff!! I know that books galore have been written on the subject, and I have read one of them. Maybe I need to go out more. At least by writing this down, I have got rid of those twirly thoughts and have been able to clear my spaces out for the next info load.